Once again, a question is proffered that hits me right where I am living.
My first "image" was all the clothes in my closet that I am currently evaluating.
It isn't that they don't "fit" anymore (physically), they just don't "fit" (age/season of life/fashion) anymore. I don't feel good in them anymore. They don't suit my lifestyle. I've had my first two grandchildren and am traveling all over the world to see them. My fancy-pants, professional clothes are no longer needed. I need a capsule wardrobe. I need comfy, practical, easy-to-wear while playing on the floor and running around the house clothes.
Personally, my vocational path is in the same place. It's not that I've outgrown them, it is more I need to "walk out of the room" and find the new rooms with new clothes.
One of my favorite "gurus," Parker Palmer, writes, "Our deepest calling is to grow into our own authentic self-hood, whether or not it conforms to some image of who we ought to be. As we do so, we will not only find the joy that every human being seeks--we will also find our path of authentic service in the world."
So, I'm taking away this truth: It isn't that I've outgrown "my life," I think I've outgrown "the image of who I thought I would be" or even deeper, "the image that OTHERS thought I would be."
Remarkable question that is leading me to a deeper dive into my soul.
I think the image of outgrowing a part of life can be helpful if there are things that need to be let go or left behind, in order to be more fully ourselves. I was a bit concerned by the original quote because it seems it could be misapplied to situations we shouldn’t “outgrow”. For example, if a relationship with a spouse, child, or even friend seems to be falling apart, saying we’ve “outgrown” them and walking away should not be a default. There are a lot of really hard situations that we need to live through, not walk away from in the name of “growth.” And often, doesn’t growth actually come from enduring difficult times?
Thank you Emily, for providing clarity. The only constant in life is change, so it makes sense that at points in our lives we feel tension, a need to stretch, pivot or simply address an issue or situation that has grown so big we can't ignore it.
"But holding things together is not a virtue, it’s a choice. It’s often a good one, but not always. Sometimes the most brave, wise, and loving thing you can do is to stop holding up walls that have long-ago lost their support beams."
This resonated SO MUCH for me. My husband and I recently moved from Minnesota to Montana. We grew up in MN, raised our children there, have family that remain there, and walked away from a custom designed timber frame home (that happens to have beams!) on 5 acres that we adored. Am I grieving? Yes. Am I lonely? Yes. Will it take time to adjust to a smaller home, a different climate, a rural area? Yes. Will it take tremendous energy to establish community? Yes. Does this mean I made the wrong decision? No.
Hard does not equal bad.
The questions I asked were, "What do I want my days to look like? Who do I want to become?" We were weary of fast-paced city life, of terribly cold winters, of spending time in ways that didn't align with who we wanted to be. I think these questions can help no matter what season or situation we are in. They have helped me to say no to busyness, to prioritize connection and to pinpoint my focus when life is overwhelming or when it feels like something doesn't fit anymore.
Henri Nouwen speaks to this idea of passages in life.
“One of the most radical demands for you and me is the discovery of our lives as a series of movements or passages. When we are born, we leave our mothers’ womb for the larger, brighter world of the family. It changes everything, and there is no going back. When we go to school, we leave our homes and families and move to a larger community of people where our lives are forever larger and more expansive. Later when our children are grown and they ask us for more space and freedom than we can offer, our lives may seem less meaningful. It all keeps changing. When we grow older, we retire or lose our jobs, and everything shifts again. It seems as though we are always passing from one phase to the next, gaining and losing someone, some place, something.
You live all these passages in an environment where you are constantly tempted to be destroyed by resentment, by anger, and by a feeling of being put down. The losses remind you constantly that all isn’t perfect and it doesn’t always happen for you the way you expected; that perhaps you had hoped events would not have been so painful, but they were; or that you expected something from certain relationships that never materialized. You find yourself disillusioned with the irrevocable personal losses: your health, your lover, your job, your hope, your dream. Your whole life is filled with losses, endless losses. And every time there are losses there are choices to be made. You choose to live your losses as passages to anger, blame, hatred, depression, and resentment, or you choose to let these losses be passages to something new, something wider, and deeper. The question is not how to avoid loss and make it not happen, but how to choose it as a passage, as an exodus to greater life and freedom.”
I've been blogging for 15 years ... this year I kept feeling edgy and itchy within my beloved old-school online home. I was continuing to deal with a long-time frustration with my clunky and unreliable comment section. Mailchimp was charging me to send out posts. My FOMU (fear of messing up) kept me frozen in place when it came to dealing with any tech issues.
When it comes to any kind of change, I drag my feet. But the Spirit kept whispering, 'enlarge your borders.' And then this question popped up - 'What would you do if you weren't afraid?' I knew it was finally time to move on.
Enter Substack. I'm a newbie. But without the annoying constraints of my old place, I feel like I'm starting to spread my wings again. I'm discovering a new freedom in blogging that's been begging to be released. I am so excited to be here.
Sometimes we've just got to say good-bye to the familiar so we can say hello to something that fits us to a T.
The distinction between outgrowing PARTS of your life is helpful. I think that sometimes, when things feel off or unsettled, it's tempting to think we need to burn it all down and start over. That kind of all-or-nothing approach doesn't lead to lasting growth. So I love the practice of asking what fits well, and what no longer fits, and what have I outgrown. Getting more specific about what feels off in our lives can point us to our next right thing. This was very thought-provoking, so thank you for asking, Sarah, and for your insights, Emily!
Outgrow your life...my first reaction is that it’s not quite possible for that to happen. But then I started thinking of the caterpillar and butterfly transformation. The caterpillar does outgrow its “life” and become someone else. And someone above said “freedom sometimes feels like falling apart”.
This full quote immediately brought me to tears.
“There comes a time when you have to let everything fall apart. When you have to stop fighting for a life you’ve outgrown, and trust that you’ll be okay even if you can’t see how right now. For a while everything may feel messy and hard, and you may feel scared and lost.
Embrace the fear. Embrace the uncertainty. Embrace the loss. The dark tunnel of change leads to the light of possibility, but first you have to go through it.”
My life is messy and hard right now, I am scared and sometimes feel lost. By God’s grace I am embracing the fear and uncertainty.
I feel as if I have out grown certain aspects of my life. My life isn't the same as it was even a year ago, and I'm slowly learning new rhythms to accommodate my new adventures. The problem is I have a hard time letting things go, and I am holding on to somethings, because it is hard to let go, and I've never handled change well.
Letting this one sit for a bit....I think this is exactly what I just came out of and onto. I just didn’t have the right word for it, until now. Stepping into a new season, I have out grown some of the places in my life...and I think it’s because I’ve grown.
Emily, I appreciate your soulful way of pondering important questions. The second question stirred something within me. I have been on the receiving side of someone very close to me going through this exact "life doesn't fit" situation. I appreciate that you begin with self-examination rather than cross-examination of other people. We can expel other people from our lives believing they are the source of the "life doesn't fit" sensation. When the dust settles, the sensation is often still there because, as you noted: "But there are so many things in life that cannot be changed or molded into something lovely or meaningful. It doesn't have to mean we’ve outgrown our life when things are falling apart. It simply means there are uncomfortable and unsettling things that need to be borne and carried and witnessed." I think it is a good idea to start with what ideas have I outgrown rather than what people do I think I have outgrown/outpaced. Thank you for your wisdom.
I think this image can be helpful if you're holding on to things because of memory or nostalgia or comfort but you're moving beyond them. I think the image of trying to fit into old clothes or outgrowing a physical home is what I was picturing.
I might pose a parallel question: could things be falling apart because that's a natural process of you growing as a person? Not the "leave it all behind and run" kind of outgrown but more like the "you're taller now, and we need to find pants that fit." (My kids are constantly growing, and clearly that shows.)
I think of all these things that used to work for me -- and much of it was because my anxiety kept things very buttoned and tidy.
My life is constantly falling apart these days, it seems. And yet.... I'm also the most alive I've ever felt. There's more awareness and repair, more dreaming and risking. More feelings in general, and not all of them pleasant.
I know these thoughts won't resonate with everyone, but as a recovering perfectionist, I am keenly aware that freedom sometimes feels like falling apart.
This post is awesome. Such helpful food for thought. I would not say I am outgrowing my life, but weeds are growing up around the thing I feel called to do, and all due to my decisions. I am feeling a huge need to minimize. So much involved here. Waiting on the Lord's direction as I ask the questions.
Thank you Sarah for a great question voiced and Emily for your challenging reflection with further questions. I love quotes and thoughts that create internal tension because they push me to dig, question, reflect and repeat. I’m in a season that has me struggling career wise. I am an RN and teach nursing students in their 3rd semester at my local community college. I absolutely love teaching! I absolutely do not love a lot of other situations that have been continually present, emerging and or growing. I found myself this week wishing, Emily, your book was already out so I could read it for some additional insight into my situation. But then I stopped myself because while I can’t wait to read your new book next March I also know that I have all the tools I need in this moment to discern how the Lord is directing my response. Your further reflection questions in this post challenged me as I also sat in prayerful pause seeking God’s direction with the mounting frustration and tension of career love and grief over so many dashed hopes. In unrushed opportunities over the course of the last day or so being able to journal about what I love and what I do not love (kind of my version of life giving/life draining) I am gaining some marvelous clarity. What that means for my future I actually have no idea but the peace of knowing I can continue to be present to be students and colleagues is amazing!
Thank you Emily for hosting us here. I found it very helpful to sit here and "listen" while others commented and gave some more insight into this idea of "growing out of your life." I was confused at first and wondered what that looked like in my own life. Growth automatically makes us think about change, but does it have to be change? There are changes that happen naturally (turning 40 this year) and then there are changes that happen TO us; AT us. (example: job transition that we didn't' chose) Are those us "growing" or just living?
Don't all living things grow?
For me, as I think about growth, I don't see myself changing as much as I am going deeper into God and deeper into who I am supposed to be. I don't even see the people around me changing. I see it as life, itself, changing and growing. Maybe I believe in a God who is both invisible and visible. Who works and orchestrates everything behind the scenes, but we see it unfold for us while we navigate our human choices. He is both present and hidden.
Shifts and change might because we are changing on the inside, but I think they happen because we are alive. We are always living and changing so I don't think we "out grow" our life, I think I life just shifts and changes. We are always saying "hello" and "goodbye" to things, people, and rooms. :)
Once again, a question is proffered that hits me right where I am living.
My first "image" was all the clothes in my closet that I am currently evaluating.
It isn't that they don't "fit" anymore (physically), they just don't "fit" (age/season of life/fashion) anymore. I don't feel good in them anymore. They don't suit my lifestyle. I've had my first two grandchildren and am traveling all over the world to see them. My fancy-pants, professional clothes are no longer needed. I need a capsule wardrobe. I need comfy, practical, easy-to-wear while playing on the floor and running around the house clothes.
Personally, my vocational path is in the same place. It's not that I've outgrown them, it is more I need to "walk out of the room" and find the new rooms with new clothes.
One of my favorite "gurus," Parker Palmer, writes, "Our deepest calling is to grow into our own authentic self-hood, whether or not it conforms to some image of who we ought to be. As we do so, we will not only find the joy that every human being seeks--we will also find our path of authentic service in the world."
So, I'm taking away this truth: It isn't that I've outgrown "my life," I think I've outgrown "the image of who I thought I would be" or even deeper, "the image that OTHERS thought I would be."
Remarkable question that is leading me to a deeper dive into my soul.
I think the image of outgrowing a part of life can be helpful if there are things that need to be let go or left behind, in order to be more fully ourselves. I was a bit concerned by the original quote because it seems it could be misapplied to situations we shouldn’t “outgrow”. For example, if a relationship with a spouse, child, or even friend seems to be falling apart, saying we’ve “outgrown” them and walking away should not be a default. There are a lot of really hard situations that we need to live through, not walk away from in the name of “growth.” And often, doesn’t growth actually come from enduring difficult times?
Thank you Emily, for providing clarity. The only constant in life is change, so it makes sense that at points in our lives we feel tension, a need to stretch, pivot or simply address an issue or situation that has grown so big we can't ignore it.
"But holding things together is not a virtue, it’s a choice. It’s often a good one, but not always. Sometimes the most brave, wise, and loving thing you can do is to stop holding up walls that have long-ago lost their support beams."
This resonated SO MUCH for me. My husband and I recently moved from Minnesota to Montana. We grew up in MN, raised our children there, have family that remain there, and walked away from a custom designed timber frame home (that happens to have beams!) on 5 acres that we adored. Am I grieving? Yes. Am I lonely? Yes. Will it take time to adjust to a smaller home, a different climate, a rural area? Yes. Will it take tremendous energy to establish community? Yes. Does this mean I made the wrong decision? No.
Hard does not equal bad.
The questions I asked were, "What do I want my days to look like? Who do I want to become?" We were weary of fast-paced city life, of terribly cold winters, of spending time in ways that didn't align with who we wanted to be. I think these questions can help no matter what season or situation we are in. They have helped me to say no to busyness, to prioritize connection and to pinpoint my focus when life is overwhelming or when it feels like something doesn't fit anymore.
Henri Nouwen speaks to this idea of passages in life.
“One of the most radical demands for you and me is the discovery of our lives as a series of movements or passages. When we are born, we leave our mothers’ womb for the larger, brighter world of the family. It changes everything, and there is no going back. When we go to school, we leave our homes and families and move to a larger community of people where our lives are forever larger and more expansive. Later when our children are grown and they ask us for more space and freedom than we can offer, our lives may seem less meaningful. It all keeps changing. When we grow older, we retire or lose our jobs, and everything shifts again. It seems as though we are always passing from one phase to the next, gaining and losing someone, some place, something.
You live all these passages in an environment where you are constantly tempted to be destroyed by resentment, by anger, and by a feeling of being put down. The losses remind you constantly that all isn’t perfect and it doesn’t always happen for you the way you expected; that perhaps you had hoped events would not have been so painful, but they were; or that you expected something from certain relationships that never materialized. You find yourself disillusioned with the irrevocable personal losses: your health, your lover, your job, your hope, your dream. Your whole life is filled with losses, endless losses. And every time there are losses there are choices to be made. You choose to live your losses as passages to anger, blame, hatred, depression, and resentment, or you choose to let these losses be passages to something new, something wider, and deeper. The question is not how to avoid loss and make it not happen, but how to choose it as a passage, as an exodus to greater life and freedom.”
I think it’s possible that we are expanding our capacity when we may feel like we’ve “outgrown” our life.
I've been blogging for 15 years ... this year I kept feeling edgy and itchy within my beloved old-school online home. I was continuing to deal with a long-time frustration with my clunky and unreliable comment section. Mailchimp was charging me to send out posts. My FOMU (fear of messing up) kept me frozen in place when it came to dealing with any tech issues.
When it comes to any kind of change, I drag my feet. But the Spirit kept whispering, 'enlarge your borders.' And then this question popped up - 'What would you do if you weren't afraid?' I knew it was finally time to move on.
Enter Substack. I'm a newbie. But without the annoying constraints of my old place, I feel like I'm starting to spread my wings again. I'm discovering a new freedom in blogging that's been begging to be released. I am so excited to be here.
Sometimes we've just got to say good-bye to the familiar so we can say hello to something that fits us to a T.
The distinction between outgrowing PARTS of your life is helpful. I think that sometimes, when things feel off or unsettled, it's tempting to think we need to burn it all down and start over. That kind of all-or-nothing approach doesn't lead to lasting growth. So I love the practice of asking what fits well, and what no longer fits, and what have I outgrown. Getting more specific about what feels off in our lives can point us to our next right thing. This was very thought-provoking, so thank you for asking, Sarah, and for your insights, Emily!
Outgrow your life...my first reaction is that it’s not quite possible for that to happen. But then I started thinking of the caterpillar and butterfly transformation. The caterpillar does outgrow its “life” and become someone else. And someone above said “freedom sometimes feels like falling apart”.
This full quote immediately brought me to tears.
“There comes a time when you have to let everything fall apart. When you have to stop fighting for a life you’ve outgrown, and trust that you’ll be okay even if you can’t see how right now. For a while everything may feel messy and hard, and you may feel scared and lost.
Embrace the fear. Embrace the uncertainty. Embrace the loss. The dark tunnel of change leads to the light of possibility, but first you have to go through it.”
My life is messy and hard right now, I am scared and sometimes feel lost. By God’s grace I am embracing the fear and uncertainty.
Emily, I’m going to listen to the JMC podcast!
I feel as if I have out grown certain aspects of my life. My life isn't the same as it was even a year ago, and I'm slowly learning new rhythms to accommodate my new adventures. The problem is I have a hard time letting things go, and I am holding on to somethings, because it is hard to let go, and I've never handled change well.
Letting this one sit for a bit....I think this is exactly what I just came out of and onto. I just didn’t have the right word for it, until now. Stepping into a new season, I have out grown some of the places in my life...and I think it’s because I’ve grown.
Emily, I appreciate your soulful way of pondering important questions. The second question stirred something within me. I have been on the receiving side of someone very close to me going through this exact "life doesn't fit" situation. I appreciate that you begin with self-examination rather than cross-examination of other people. We can expel other people from our lives believing they are the source of the "life doesn't fit" sensation. When the dust settles, the sensation is often still there because, as you noted: "But there are so many things in life that cannot be changed or molded into something lovely or meaningful. It doesn't have to mean we’ve outgrown our life when things are falling apart. It simply means there are uncomfortable and unsettling things that need to be borne and carried and witnessed." I think it is a good idea to start with what ideas have I outgrown rather than what people do I think I have outgrown/outpaced. Thank you for your wisdom.
I think this image can be helpful if you're holding on to things because of memory or nostalgia or comfort but you're moving beyond them. I think the image of trying to fit into old clothes or outgrowing a physical home is what I was picturing.
I might pose a parallel question: could things be falling apart because that's a natural process of you growing as a person? Not the "leave it all behind and run" kind of outgrown but more like the "you're taller now, and we need to find pants that fit." (My kids are constantly growing, and clearly that shows.)
I think of all these things that used to work for me -- and much of it was because my anxiety kept things very buttoned and tidy.
My life is constantly falling apart these days, it seems. And yet.... I'm also the most alive I've ever felt. There's more awareness and repair, more dreaming and risking. More feelings in general, and not all of them pleasant.
I know these thoughts won't resonate with everyone, but as a recovering perfectionist, I am keenly aware that freedom sometimes feels like falling apart.
♥️
This post is awesome. Such helpful food for thought. I would not say I am outgrowing my life, but weeds are growing up around the thing I feel called to do, and all due to my decisions. I am feeling a huge need to minimize. So much involved here. Waiting on the Lord's direction as I ask the questions.
Thank you Sarah for a great question voiced and Emily for your challenging reflection with further questions. I love quotes and thoughts that create internal tension because they push me to dig, question, reflect and repeat. I’m in a season that has me struggling career wise. I am an RN and teach nursing students in their 3rd semester at my local community college. I absolutely love teaching! I absolutely do not love a lot of other situations that have been continually present, emerging and or growing. I found myself this week wishing, Emily, your book was already out so I could read it for some additional insight into my situation. But then I stopped myself because while I can’t wait to read your new book next March I also know that I have all the tools I need in this moment to discern how the Lord is directing my response. Your further reflection questions in this post challenged me as I also sat in prayerful pause seeking God’s direction with the mounting frustration and tension of career love and grief over so many dashed hopes. In unrushed opportunities over the course of the last day or so being able to journal about what I love and what I do not love (kind of my version of life giving/life draining) I am gaining some marvelous clarity. What that means for my future I actually have no idea but the peace of knowing I can continue to be present to be students and colleagues is amazing!
Thank you Emily for hosting us here. I found it very helpful to sit here and "listen" while others commented and gave some more insight into this idea of "growing out of your life." I was confused at first and wondered what that looked like in my own life. Growth automatically makes us think about change, but does it have to be change? There are changes that happen naturally (turning 40 this year) and then there are changes that happen TO us; AT us. (example: job transition that we didn't' chose) Are those us "growing" or just living?
Don't all living things grow?
For me, as I think about growth, I don't see myself changing as much as I am going deeper into God and deeper into who I am supposed to be. I don't even see the people around me changing. I see it as life, itself, changing and growing. Maybe I believe in a God who is both invisible and visible. Who works and orchestrates everything behind the scenes, but we see it unfold for us while we navigate our human choices. He is both present and hidden.
Shifts and change might because we are changing on the inside, but I think they happen because we are alive. We are always living and changing so I don't think we "out grow" our life, I think I life just shifts and changes. We are always saying "hello" and "goodbye" to things, people, and rooms. :)