Is it possible to outgrow your life?

Six questions to ask when things seem to be falling apart

Hello Soul Minimalists!

This week we celebrated the 300th episode of The Next Right Thing and as a way to high-five this milestone together, I invited listeners to record questions that I could answer on the episode.

Why am I so obsessed with hearing your voices?!

Here’s one from listener Stephanie in Cape Town, South Africa:

She asks what silence, solitude, and sabbath look like for me. I have two resources to point you to, Stephanie!

• What counts as a sabbath practice? I touch on this briefly here on one of the Questions and Arrows posts we did

• Solitude 05: Encountering Our Life with God - Last month I talked with John Mark Comer on his podcast about solitude with God in my own life.

If you want to check out the episode with more Qs + As you can listen to 300: Your Questions Answered. But there were many I didn’t have time to get to either because they were left after I already recorded the episode or because they weren’t the types of questions that could be responded to off the cuff.

Today I’m taking one of those questions and sharing my thoughts about it and I would love to hear yours as well. This is a free post for everyone so I’d be glad for you to share it.

Here is the question from listener Sarah in Nashville, TN. You can click the player to listen to her voice her question or read a summary below:

From Sarah:

I heard a quote recently that resonated and I’m curious your take on it.

“When your life is falling apart, it’s because you’ve outgrown it.”

The season I’ve been living in doesn’t seem to be working anymore. It’s helping me to reorient my perspective. I wonder if all of this crumbling I’m experiencing is less about something being wrong, but more about whether or not who I’m becoming is breaking the seams of my life. Maybe I can start to feel better about my circumstances and focus instead on what I want to do next.

As a soulful decision-maker, what do you think about this concept of outgrowing your life? And what would you do if that were your reality?

What an interesting quote and thoughtful question, Sarah. Thank you for asking it here. I’ve been carrying it around for a week or so, considering what I think of it, looking at it from all sides.

Best I can tell, this is a quote from an author named Lori Deschene, the founder of Tiny Buddha, a self-help website that draws inspiration from thousands of contributors who share their stories and life lessons.

Here’s the full quote:

“There comes a time when you have to let everything fall apart. When you have to stop fighting for a life you’ve outgrown, and trust that you’ll be okay even if you can’t see how right now. For a while everything may feel messy and hard, and you may feel scared and lost.

Embrace the fear. Embrace the uncertainty. Embrace the loss. The dark tunnel of change leads to the light of possibility, but first you have to go through it.”

—Lori Deschene

When I read the quote in context, it makes more sense. Sometimes things need to fall apart. We tend to resist the crumbling because it’s uncomfortable and unsettling. But holding things together is not a virtue, it’s a choice. It’s often a good one, but not always. Sometimes the most brave, wise, and loving thing you can do is to stop holding up walls that have long-ago lost their support beams.

It doesn’t mean something is wrong, just as Sarah says. It may simply be evidence of a rhythm or direction that isn’t working anymore. It could be an arrow pointing to something that needs your compassionate attention. It may very well mean that you have grown beyond the boundaries you have set for yourself and it’s time to finally allow yourself to be who you most deeply are. This may require anything from a small adjustment to a radical change.

Discernment is required to know when it’s time to hold it together and when it might be time to let it grow.

But I don’t think I would say it’s true that our lives fall apart because we’ve outgrown them, and that’s the part I was resistant to.

That could be true, of course, but there are many reasons why we may experience a breaking, a disconnect, or what some may even call a dark night of the soul in our current life and it could simply be the very road upon which we need to walk in order to grow. I suppose I’m resistant to the image I get when I hear “outgrow your life”, as if our lives are something we can take off, step out of, or disregard.

If you listened to the entire question Sarah left, she said, “The season I’ve been living in for a long time doesn’t seem to be working for me anymore.”

Now this is a time when I think it could definitely be helpful to ask a version of the question: “have I outgrown my life?”

If you can relate with Sarah’s question and have been sensing that you may be outgrowing your life (or parts of your life), here are some more questions to consider to help you discern your next right thing:

• What in my life fits well?

• What parts of my life no longer fit?

• What have I outgrown?

• What might I be growing into?

• What do I long for?

• What do I miss?

If you are one who would say that it feels like things are falling apart around you, I would ask if those things are within your sphere of influence to or are they simply part of being human? A diagnosis, job loss, or betrayal are all things that could lead to your life seeming to fall apart but are not typically things we have much control over. It doesn’t seem accurate (or kind) to tell yourself that you have outgrown your life in these situations.

As for me, I do think it’s possible to outgrow parts of our lives. Or to outgrow the choices we’ve made for ourselves or the spaces we find ourselves in. But because I see our lives as so intricately connected to our being, our bodies, our souls, and our communities, it’s hard for me to conceptualize outgrowing it.

I suppose it depends on how you define “life” and also what you mean by “outgrow.” A lot to think about!

I know it’s compelling to want to believe we have a lot of agency over what happens in our lives and of course, sometimes that’s true. But there are so many things in life that cannot be changed or molded into something lovely or meaningful. It doesn't have to mean we’ve outgrown our life when things are falling apart. It simply means there are uncomfortable and unsettling things that need to be borne and carried and witnessed.

What do you think? Is it possible to outgrow your life?

I can’t wait to hear what you think of this quote and Sarah’s question because it’s a wonderful and thought-provoking one.

epf

P.S. This post is free for everyone (hello if you’re new here!) and an example of the kinds of conversations I like to host. Subjects we cover include the art of spiritual direction, unconventional daily practices, and real-life decision making beyond the pro / con list. Learn more and join in!

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